How to Fix NASCAR

I consider myself a lover of most sports--particularly sports that incorporate some sort of ball and/or some striking (of the ball), kicking, running, and vigorous physical activity. Just so I know I'm covering all of my bases I'll even throw in the sports that consist only of punching or hitting an opponent en route to victory. These sports are enjoyable to watch for a number of reasons; the objective is clear, the movements and action during the game, match, meet or event vary from moment to moment increasing the level of watchability and, there is quite a bit of room for commenting with your fellow spectators. For example, "Wow, that was a great pitch! He really brought his A-game today." or, "Man! He punched that guy square in the teeth. How could he just leave his whole face exposed like that?" or even, "Everything the offense throws at the defense is being shut down today! They're not giving them an inch! This game will go down in history as one of the greatest displays of defensive mastery ever played out on an athletic field."

These are just some of the reasons I, and many other sports lovers enjoy the sports we do. However, there is one sport I don't enjoy for one simple reason. I can't. The main reason is probably because I can't find room to incorporate my previous list of reasons why most sports are enjoyable to watch. This sport is the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing, otherwise known as NASCAR. This dizzying sport was started by one Bill France Sr. and apparently finds its early origins in the bootlegging hills of the Appalachian region of the United States. I never knew Bill France Sr. and I don't know any bootleggers, but if I was ever given the chance I would suggest some ways to improve the great National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. So, what follows is a list of ways to improve this sport, written and compiled by myself and a good friend. They appear in no particular order or degree of importance simply because applying any one of them would bring NASCAR to its full potential of watchability. Here they are:

1. At any point during the race, pre-selected fans should be allowed to drive monster trucks onto the race track in the direction of the drivers. This would test the driver's hand-eye coordination as well as incorporate a sense of team pride into the race because the monster truck driving fans could drive towards an opposing team's car, upping the chances of a home team victory.
2. The Paintball Compton 500. Instead of an annular track, why not hold a race in Compton and have random drive by paintball shootings from red or blue cars equipped with hydraulics interfere with the race. This increases watchability while giving the drivers a new look at culture in an urban environment along with giving people a fun and safe alternative to actual bullets.
3. The James Bond Open. One car is equipped by Q to launch rockets and drop oil slicks during the race. The identity of the 007 car is not disclosed until the race is over.
4. Large gaseous men ride shot gun with the driver, prohibiting him to role down his windows until the race is finished. This would increase the speed of the race which would free up valuable air time for other sports. It would also get rid of that weird net window thing.
5. The Kids in the Car Sprint Cup Series. This race would take place during the summertime with two random, and fairly devious children in the back seat who constantly argue and ask, "Are we there yet!" This option allows children to enjoy the sport close up. We could even mic-up the drivers to hear their responses. I'd imagine they'd say something like, "WE'RE ALWAYS THERE! WE'RE DRIVING IN CIRCLES!!!!"
6. Include a half-pipe.
7. Include car jackers at pit stops. This would incorporate an element of competitive fighting during the race as opposed to the random angry tizzy fights that take place after a driver has already crashed or worse, after the entire race is over. I read an interesting article on this and discovered that one driver/angry loser was also a Golden Gloves boxer. Unfortunately the fight took place after the race. If only they could've found a way to incorporate the Golden Glover's skills into the competition.
8. Put the cars into a huge parking lot made to look like a football field and have eleven stock cars with convertible tops line up across from another eleven and play a game of NASCAball (National Association for Stock Car Ball). This makes the speed of the cars a bit more interesting to watch. It also gives the drivers a chance to use more of their insight and deductive reasoning as they construct different plays. It wouldn't be a bad idea to incorporate the Wonderlic test in there somewhere either. Maybe as an alternative to a qualifying race.
9. Allow texting while driving. This makes perfect sense because it incorporates two activities that are illegal and/or unwise everywhere else in the country besides a circle shaped race track: texting behind the wheel and driving over the speed limit. It could also be an educational tool used to teach teenagers and irresponsible, single thirty-somethings about the dangers of texting while driving.
10. Incorporate real soccer fans, anywhere. The mix of redneck silver-tongued, toothless swagger, light beer, and pure, unaimed, frenzied and chanting angry passion should make for an interesting day at the race track.

Maybe in the next few years one of these will catch on. In the meantime, I'll be watching football and hoping for the day I can enjoy a race with friends.

Here is that article I referenced: Flying Fists: Rating NASCAR's top 5 fights

* The name of my "good friend" was omitted from this entry to save his life from the angry pummeling he would get from another good friend who is a real lover of NASCAR and doesn't see the need for any improvements. I will endure whatever punishment would come his way as a result of his inclusion in this entry.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend;

profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Proverbs 27:6